I'm afraid. I can't keep lying to myself pretending that I'm not because I am. And the worst part of this is that I am afraid of myself. I'm scared of lose control again, I'm afraid I'll cant keep my promises if this keeps going on that way.
Sometimes, when I can't sleep at night, I start to think too much. Is not something I can control, because thought is something no one can have control about (i think) and the sad part os this is that most of the time those thoughts are not happy. There are moments that I'm on my own and I start to feel so lonely it hurts, is not like I'm just alone in that moment, in that place, but is like completly alone in every inch of the world. But as if feel alone all the time is not enough, I have to feel that I live with my worst enemies here inside of me and I can't get rid of them, this is fucking pathetic. "I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim." For a while I really thought I was free, free of myself, free of my demons, but as the days go by I feel like they're all coming back so fast, I'm starting to lost myself again and I really don't want this to happen because I don't know if I'll be strong enough to handle them once again... I feel weak, I feel empty, I feel lost, I'm tired of being sad all the time. I have my moments of happiness when I'm with some friends, when I'm talking to the one I love, and when this is happening I really enjoy because I know that minutes later I'll be alone again and my only company will be my demons and I don't want this anymore. I do not want this. I do my best to always help my friends when they need but why can I always help my friends and have no idea what to do with myself?
I wanna run from all of this, I know I can't runaway from myself but I know I can run to things that will make me smile all the time, things that will make me feel alive again. I was feeling so dead last year, completly with no hope and then, this year, such a good thing happened and it made me feel alive again. So alive. But now... is like I'm dying again. Pretty sure I need help. Or a drink. Or horror movies to spend the night. Concerts omg concerts for sure, but my parents never let me go to other states for shows so I'll keep myself with the drinks and horror movies for now. And maybe I will find a way to put an end on this, stop giving life to my enemies, I want to feel happy, I want to feel alive and I know I will. Soon or later, but I hope as soon as it can, please. I'm trying my best to don't lose myself again, even with that feeling that I'm already losing, but I won't. I won't be weak because I know I can be strong. It's so hard, everything is so hard, but well, even with that ridiculous and awful feeling that I'm alone, I know I'm not. I know there are some people out there that care about me, likes me, and because of them, for them, I'm trying my best to stay strong and put a honest smile on my face. Oh well, that was a good vent with lots of tears.
"I'll be fine even though I'm not always right, I can count on the sun to shine. Dedication takes a lifetime but dreams only last for a night." Dude, I love you Alex Gaskarth, thank you.
